I've provisioned many Azure Functions apps; there's nothing you can educate me on, here.

Why do you care about a storage account so much?

https://learn.microsoft.com/en-us/azure/azure-functions/func...

Since you didn't know about the [Flex] Consumption plan, there's your education.

And as to why they require a storage account:

https://learn.microsoft.com/en-us/azure/azure-functions/stor...

Wallah, education!